A real coaching moment

A few years ago, I was coaching a pretty successful software engineer here in Boston (let’s call him John).

Wife, two kids. Originally from New Zealand. Really great guy.

Something he brought up on one of our calls was that he “didn’t feel in love with his wife really anymore…”

We paused and just let that sit.

He teared up a little bit.

After a long silence, I spoke.

“I hear you, John. Now, what do you want to do with this information?”

He took a breath.

“Well, I don’t want to separate. I love her. I just don’t feel the passion or that raw attraction like I used to. And I feel guilty about it. I don’t know what to do. We have two kids together. I just don’t know…”

“Let’s drop in.”

For the next 10-15 minutes, we dropped into a guided meditation in which he was able to feel into the version of himself that he respected the most. The version of himself that fully dives into being even more loving of a husband, a father, a co-worker.

His body language shifted in those few minutes. He exhaled a few times in a deep, unguarded way.

After that guided meditation, we came back to eyes open and just took a moment.

He said,

“Man. I’m the one who’s judging her so hard. I’m not nice at all to her in my head. I criticize her for little things she does and says and she has no idea. I do this without saying anything and she feels it… of course, she does. Now, I feel terrible.”

“Yeah, that makes sense to me. Let’s just be with this for a moment. There’s no wrong answer, just clarity either way. You’re doing fine.” I said, letting the stillness evolve and open.

“Damn. Ok,” he sighed.

A few more beats of rich silence.

“So, how do you want to proceed, John?”

“Well, I want to love her. I want to choose to love this woman whom I’ve known for so long. She’s amazing, I know she is. I’m remembering how we first met, how we used to laugh more before the kids and we got so busy, and just how fucking gorgeous she has been. She’s got that spark in her that’s why I married her in the first place. I think I’ve just forgotten some of this, and it feels terrible. But I want to say these things to her and lean in. But I’m scared.”

“Yeah. A lot of people are, John. And you’re brave to even go here with me...

So, how can you do that? How do you want to choose to love this woman in your life, John?”

“I’m gonna wake up and tell her this. I’m going to clear this shit out of my head and get it out of my system to her - how I’ve been judging her so hard. I’m gonna communicate clearly, I just haven’t had the balls to.”

“That seems like a good idea.”

“Damn. Yeah it does.”

“I’m really proud of you, man. This is the kind of stuff most people avoid, and their lives get worse because they choose not to do what you’re doing now. You gotta let me know how it goes.”

“Ok. I will. Thanks, True.”

“Thank you, John. Chat soon.”